I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize