My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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