The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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