I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize