Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
