Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Randomize
