hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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