Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
