They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
