I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
