I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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