every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
