Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Randomize
