Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
