i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
