he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
this boner is exhausting
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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