Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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