Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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