my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
