is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
