I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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