Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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