Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
he just fucked me for my cheese.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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