I could have mohawked her pubes.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
It's rum buckets o'clock
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
