Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
