i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
