Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
