The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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