My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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