textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
