I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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