Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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