I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
