dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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