You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
birth control should be required to get into college
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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