Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize