i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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