We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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