My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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