woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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