I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize