My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
