The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
