So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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