Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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