I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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