I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
