You're completely useless in the revolution.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
