It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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