No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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