Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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