Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
